Uhm, note to everyone, especially to Michelle (mrsdrake ). Ficathon entry is betaed right now, and will be posted no later than tomorrow morning.
Sorry it took so long, but after it was done and almost beated I, stupid thing that I am, figured I didn't like it, and pretty much rewrote the whole thing. It's longer, better and steamier now, but it's also late... sorry <pout>.
On the better note: have three gmail invitations to give (waves to Phen, who made this possible :] Gmail so rocks!) Anyone interested?
On other things. We were rpging with cala_jane through gg (that's a polish equivalent of aim, guys), and I can't get over how fun it is...
If you're interested, here is the session... so, okay, it's short, it's lame, and it's full of misspellings and gramma errors. So what? We had fun
Cordy was walking down the alley. She left glowing thingy few hours ago. She was just hurt. After a loss of her friends. She wasn't allowed to see them. She was on a different track right now. But she couldn't stop blaming herself. It was all her fault. She gave Angel vision. And now they were dead. All of them. Heroes again. But it didn't matter. And she wasn't even able to take them to Valhala or what-ever the place was called... The was noone else to look after...
Memories. She had them. With the shell came all sort of pictures, sounds, smells, and feelings. Untill now she was perfectly able of separating them, looking at them from the distance. She didn't have feelings. Those were for the weak ones.
But with every one of them falling, something changed inside her. The creature she thought no longer to exist was taking over her, much as once she took over her. She was still in control, still the one owning this bod.... this shell, but the dreadful feelings bubbling now inside of her weren't hers... and were, in some strange way.
She felt them, as if she was a simple human.
She falled down to her knees and wept.
Cordy saw her. Hidden in the shadow. She was looking like Fred. But she wasn't Fred. She was Power. She was Fear. She was everything, but she wasn't Fred. And Cordy felt pity for that creature. Trapped in Fred's body. She walked to her and said in a soft voice. "It's okay to cry after the ones we've lost".
Illyria looked up.
"Cordy!" she said in Fred voice. She stopped. It wasn't what she had intended to say. She had memories of this woman, and feelings towards her, but those came with the shell.
"You're dead" she said in her normal voice and in one swift movement rose to her feet. "And yet you are here, powerful and renewed."
She seemed to ponder Cordy's words. "They wept after you. They grieved after the shell. It didn't make them feel better. It didn't give them anyone back."
She looked up, into the darkened sky, into the dawning new day creaping over the horizons in bright colours. "Wesley's gone"
Here it was again. The feeling inside her. What was it?
Cordy smiled gently. "That's the way human's cope. We don't cry because of a loss. We cry because we feel bad and we cry over our own pain." She looked over the battle field. "Wesley is dead, like all of them. But being dead doesn't mean being gone. Look at me. Like you said, I'm dead..."
Illyria didn't like being patronized. She had to put up with this for a while, since those humans stripped her off her power. Since...
Since Wesley saved her.
She could take that from him, but she wouldn't take that from that woman.
So she was really surprised by what her words her lips formed next.
"I don't know what to do. He... they're all gone"
She furrowed her brow. Was she saying this?
Cordy looked closer at the woman in front of her. It was like two different personalities fighting for a control over Fred's body. Both of them in pain. Both needing help. Maybe that was her track. That woman. Still alive, without the only close person she had. "Usually crying helps. Humans do this a lot when they're in pain. Little steps. First dealing with your own pain, than dealing with world..." Yes. There she was. Helping creature that killed her friend. Doing Angel thing. Helping the helpless...
There was something oddly familiar about all of this.
Illyria felt strange. She never was the one who needed help. She was the one who made other scream and beg for it, and she danced to the music of their pleading.
But that... Cordelia. She was the one who helped her. The one that connected all others, before...
It still felt wrong. Even with Cordy here, it felt wrong to her. They were alone, all alone, and she was tired of being alone, lost, hurting, on a run, hiding in a cave...
Those were her thoughts?
Alone, until he came, until they came, they saved her, and she walked with heroes. That was her power.
A tear rolled fown her cheek, and she touched it with her fingertips. The leather armor slowly moved back, leaving her hand bared...
"They were supposed to live. It's not how it ends."
Cordy smiled. There it was. The thing that could unite two beings into one. "Than change it. You walked with heroes. Fred walked with heroes. Now you are one of them. You're a hero." Cordy touched Illyria's cheek for a brief moment. She couldn't do it any longer. It was taking too much power. "Heroes walk in the light of glory. With destiny written all over their faces. But it's us who create destiny. All we need is to fight hard enough."
There was... too much. The memories whirrled and buzzled in her head, flashing bright red and sad blue, then fading into black to light up once again in painful white.
Feelings... She felt everything in ever fibre of her body... of the shell... of her body...
She didn't know who she was anymore.
The form dominates the being. When you wear a mask, your face changes. The state determines... the words long forgotten swirrled again, fuming in her skull. The lesson, long time ago, the class... plaid skirt and oxford shirt, and black shoes... the words on the blackboard. The state determines... It determines who you are.
When she played Fred to test how far she could push Wesley, something changed in her.
The form dominates the being. It was alright, she could control it, she could...
...she could, before she allowed memories to act as her feelings. So, feelings they've become.
Cordy closed her eyes. When she opened them she was glowing. She smiled gentle to Illyria. "I could tell you what to do. How things work in your case. But the truth is that I don't know. I'm not powerful being. I'm just girl who's in pain after a loss of too many. All I know is what I see. I see a woman who's changing. And who is afraid of those changes. But changes don't have to be bad. They can bring good things too. They can show you a new path." Cordy felt that her own memories of Fred and their friendship are filling her. "Besides. Not that there is anything you could do about them...." She said in her old way. "Just remember. You're a hero now. You walked with ones and you earned yourself a place among them. You're a hero. Act like one."
Every word was like a blow.
She felt like that before, when her power was too much for the fragile shell, when she was close to exploding...
But right now it appeared that something in that fragile shell was strong enough to overcome her. Or was it her, just... adjusting?
Loosing, she said. To compromise is to loose.
'there is hope... there is hope you find something worthy'
Who heard those words? She did. She, Illyria.
But it was Fred who embraced them, loved them, loved him...
Worthy. That woman thought she was worthy to be a hero. She, Illyria, the god-king of... She, Winnifred Burkle.
The feelings overcame her, and she let them.
"What do we do now, Cordy? They're all gone... and how are you here?"
Cordy smiled with victory. She did it. She took her and helped to take a first step. "I'm here to proove you that dead doesn't mean gone. Weren't you listening? Now we fight. I fight for you. You fight for him. Besides. After what you did, you have a huge credit upstairs. Use it." Cordy winked. "Come on, I'll help you."
She smiled a sad smile. Credit? She couldn't save anyone, not even herself. She just waited until Illyria took her over...
But... "We can have Wesley back? All of them?"
She rushed after Cordy, the suit of armor changing as she went, when she spoke again it was a simple pair of black jeans and white sweater. "And, how are you here? I don't even know how I am here, except I remembr how professor Worthing said something about form determinating the being, and it makes a perfect physical sense in light of Grant's theory, but it doesn't explain the concept of souls... and I'm sure my soul was lost, so I can't have it, so I couldn't be me, and I feel like me, I mean..." she looked at herself, than back at Cordy "I am me."
She stopped to take a breath.
"So, what do we do now?
Cordy listened to Fred's familiar babble mode. And she smiled when she watched dust taking a form. Form that she loved. "We do miracles. We make sure world is better. Everything we need is to want it strongly enough." She looked at Fred. "And later we will create our new destiny. The better one."
Uhm, pimpage time. I'm recently getting more and more addicted to icons. I know I have a limit up to three on unpayed journal, but I can't help saving icons on my harddisk and just looking at them.. they are majorly cool :D
My particular favorite icon makers are literati (she made the fabolous dom!Wes icon I'm using right now, and she does all sort of gilesy and wes' goodness. Check her out, give her feedback) and nastey (Julianna, she does all sort of icons, especially X-men and btvs. Check out her Hugh Jackman ones, he looks even better than usually, and that's... wow :D)
Oh, and check out my new icon! On the left! Lookie, lookie! Yes, I *am* crazy...