I'm gone. Completely. Not only I've become addicted to rl rpg (cala_jane ! Get back here immediately! We're going insane with Khal...), but I spend every free moment rpging through the net.
So, if you're interested why I'm not writing any new fics (well, okay, I have this giles/wes started, and that damned pwp!bunny of angel/wes, thanks to phendog and her bloodplay comments, but hey :)), here is the second gg rpg.
Just so you'd know. I'm writing Willow, and Cala is writing Faith.
It was a hard day.
For everyone, including Willow. So, okay, she wasn't the one to enter the hell and then fight her way out, but the spell-casting part wasn't easy peasy either. She was terrified at first, that everything will go kablooey, and that she will once again get close to destroying the world. Unintentionally, this time, but still.
She was sitting in the bus now, watching the scenery change behind the window, and idly wondering what will happen next.
Her hand was in Kennedy's, but that wasn't great relief. Kennedy... she was one of the better things that happened to her in this hellish year, but not the one she wanted, or planned. Not the most important one.
She stared out of the window. Going away from Sunnydale, away from the hell and anguish, away...
...away from memories and Tara's grave.
Faith was looking out of a bus' window. Next stage of her life was over.The place where everything had started was gone. And everything was supposed to end here. Now she will have to learn how to live without Sunnydale shadow over her. Maybe nothing will change. People who were haunting her in her dreams were still alive. Buffy, Xander, Giles and Willow. Willow. Red changed. Faith couldn't say why... or how. But Red changed. Not only her mojo was more powerful. She was more powerful. In non-magical sense. To tell the truth, everybody changed. Everybody exept Faith. She was still the killer. The rouge one. Some things never changed...
She shifted in her seat, feeling someone watching her. She glanced at Kennedy, but the dark-haired Slayer was still asleep. Well, they were all tired.
She freed herself from her lover's grip and looked around. Giles was driving, since Robin wasn't able to, what with the wound and all. Xander was lost in thoughts, looking out of the window as well. Buffy and Dawn sleeping, probbing each other up. They made a rather cute picture. Andrew in the corner, lost in a comic book he somehow saved from the Pit that was Sunnydale. The other potentials in the back, gossiping. And...
She was looking at her with a sad face.
Willow never really liked Faith, and she knew it was mutual.
But something was different about her now, something was different about them all.
She slowly moved away from Kennedy, laying the girl softly on both seats and moved to sit beside Faith.
"Hey" she said, a start as lame as always. As when she greeted the first Slayer she ever met, seven years ago. Some things never change.
Faith saw Willow moving under her gaze. Red witch turned and looked at the slayer.Then she stood up and sit next to Faith. Why?And then she said 'Hey'. Red never said 'hey' to Faith. They never liked each other enough to have a civil conversation. But Faith was too tired to step away. She wanted to change. "Hey yourself'. And after that she looked out the window. The silence between them was growing. Faith felt Willow shifting uncomfortable. "Nice mojo you did back there, Red." It was everything Faith could say. And it was lame. She was lame.
Well, at least they were having what could be taken as a polite conversation. No knives or anything in sight. They were just sitting together and talking. Talking was good. Talking was definitely better than something else. Uhm, what was... oh, yes, right. "Thanks, I guess."
"We wouldn't make it without you. That was a hell of a power, Red. Remind me not to piss you off anymore..." They were talking. And why it felt wrong?
That. She knew it was just Faith talking like... well, Faith, but in the same time it touched something more. 'Remind me not to piss you off anymore'.
The conversation with Giles, some time ago. She advised him not to piss her off. Was that really her? It didn't sound like her... she sounded... arrogant. Rank, arrogant, ammateur, he said. And he was mostly right.
And now Faith was afraid of her. Well, maybe she wasn't but...
Faith looked at Willow. Something was wrong. "Hey, Red, what's wrong?" Willow was affraid of something.. Or maybe someone... Faith was affraid thet this person is her. But she fought along with them. They stoped the First, They closed Hellmouth. Why Willow would be affraid of Faith?
Was that... concern?
Willow blinked, surprise probably written all over her face. She never was good in hiding her emotions. Either everyone could see them, or she babbled about them.
And nothing was wrong. For the first time everything was right.
It had to be. They were free, they closed the Hellmouth, they defeated the First Evil, Buffy wasn't the only Slayer anymore... they were together, riding into the sunset, happy, and safe, and everything, and she had, she had Kennedy, damn it! She was happy. She was alright. Not worried, and definitely not...
"It's... it's nothing. Just..." she leaned back in her seat and looked up, sighing. "Everything changes now. I... my whole life was in Sunnydale..." Tara's grave was in Sunnydale. "It's... gone."
"Nothing's ever gone Red." Faith closed her eyes. Nothing was ever gone. Mayor was gone, but The First used his form... Was him. Faith the Killer was gone, but she still felt this longing. To kill. She was gone and yet she fought along her former enemies. "Every time you meet vampire you'll feel like you're back in Sunnydale." Faith looked at her, than she watched everyone in the bus. "It won't be gone as long as you're together. Believe me. I know." Yeah. She knew. She wasn't part of a group. It was over for her. But not for them.
She looked at her then, her green eyes flashing as she studied Faith's face. Four years. Four years ago she met that girl, and was terrified of her, of that dark power inside fragile form. She was jelous of that power, even then wanting to get some of it for herself. Envious of easy way Faith had with everyone, of her attractiveness, outgoing character and... and of freedom. She was almost happy when the Slayer turned rogue, because she could hate her openly, not because she had everything Willow wanted, but because she was evil.
Now she looked at Faith and still felt jelous. So, okay, they both were on the dark side, they both came back. And okay, maybe Faith was alone now, and she still had friends. And okay, maybe...
When she looked into those dark eyes she saw strenght. Flash of steel, bright fire and a spirit that still run wild, even if tamed and tempered by the chains of reason.
And she felt jelous of that.
There was something about Willow. The same thing she saw in the red witch years ago. But she couldn't tell what it was. But suddenly she felt uncomfortable. Not that she ever felt good aroud Willow, but now Faith felt like she wasn't welcomed. Again. She wasn't the same Faith, so she didn't need this whole acceptance. But it hurt. Somehow it didn't feel right. She shrugged. "Look, I'm just sayin'. I can be wrong. Not that it didn't happen in the past, right?"
She could sense Faith withdrawing again.
She didn't want *that*. Not really. Faith was through a lot. She earned her place among them. She helped them. And the fact that she didn't like her very much?
Over it. So over. Yes, over.
She sighed again.
"Now you look. You're... you're right. Nothing is gone. It just changed... And I never was the one to really like changes. Like, in senior year? We could have lunch outside, but I didn't feel comfortable with it, because it felt wrong, I felt like we still weren't allowed, even if we were and Oz and Xander had to drag me outside, and..." she shook her head. "Uhm, not the point now. It's just..." she glanced at the Kennedy, who shifted and mumbled something during sleep. "I don't think I'm ready for the changes. How... how you do this?"
"How do I do what?" What did Red want from her?
"How do you..." she stopped. What she was doing? Asking advice from Faith? The Rogue Slayer? Was she mad now? "Look, forget about..."
Well, maybe she was mad. And maybe she needed someone to understand her. Buffy didn't. She always was a good little Slayer. Even when she rebelled, it was about going to Bronze, or something. Xander? He didn't understand being on the other side. Anya died, and he accepted Andrew without a word... and she herself wanted to kill them both last year, after Tara... though it wasn't their fault. Giles? Giles could understand, maybe... But she always wanted his praise, his acceptance... him admitting they're equals. She didn't need him scolding her, so she shouldn't run to him with everything like a little brat.
Faith... Faith could get her.
"You... you went over this. Wanted to kill people, wanted to hurt yourself. I... I think you did... How... how do you start again? How do you get over it and move on, start a new page with someone else... how do you live again, when all you want is to be punished for what you did?"
Faith looked out of the window, remembering Angel's face. "I had someone who never gave up on me. No matter what I did, he never gave up on me. Without him I would still be a killer." She smirked. "The thing is, not to be alone..." She looked seriously at Willow. "But I guess you have no idea what I'm talking about. You were never alone..." She watched her hands. "And you cannot get over it. It will be always in you. You need to learn to live with it. That's the only way to move on. And there's nothing like a new page Red. Everyone I will be with, will have to know about me. Just in case. Because there's always a possibility that some day I'll crack again. There's no home for people like me Red. And punishment?" She laughed shortly. "I had my share, thank you. No punishment can stop me from being a killer Red. I'm stopping me. And that's the hardest thing."
She nodded slowly. That wasn't exaclty what she expected, though it had a grain of great truth in it, even if spoken in real Faith-style.
But what was she expecting? A ready guidance? A spell to wish-her-will-done? Been there, done that, had a major guilt trip over that one too.
Then she frowned. Not alone?
"I wouldn't like to sound dreadfully cliche, Faith, but alone? Been there."
Faith looked at her doubtfully. "You? Alone? When?" She smiled in a really ugly way and started counting. "When you had Scoobies, when you had more Scoobies, or when you had Scoobies? Red, with all respect. The only loneliness you know is in the evening when you go to sleep. I'm talking about being alone in the dark. Being alone when there are people around. I'm talking about being alone with another human by your side in bed... You maybe powerful, but there are places you'll never be...." Faith stopted looking at her. Thinking the conversation is over. She didn't want to talk about being alone, when there was a chance on ending that. This chance was sitting few sits away. Sleeping.
Her eyes flashed, her fingers moved. She cocked her head on side and looked at Faith, even though the Slayer wasn't looking at her.
"Yes, I probably have no idea what it is to be alone in the crowd."
When no one notices you're going through major changes, defining yourself again. When girl you love leaves you because she is afraid of you. When your best friend doesn't want to live anymore, and you're personally responsible for giving her life back, a life that is hell. When the other friend is too caught up in his own anguish and grief after leaving his girlfriend at the altar. When the only person you trusted to guide you is a miles away, because he couldn't help you and your friends all the time.
When you can't breathe at night, because you need the power so much that you break inside with every swell... when your finger ache to control that force again and you know you can't, but you want to, oh, you want so badly...
...when your soulmate falls dead in front of you, and is still concerned of stains on your shirt... when you try to kill everyone you love... when your attempt to destroy the world fails and you're not sure if you're crying from relief or fury...when your friend are so afraid of you they make you disappear...
"Nothing at all."
She leans back in the seat again, looking forward, at the road before the bus.
"Oh, and it's Willow. I wasn't red in a long time..."
"You will always be Red, *Willow*.It's a part of you, no matter how much you've changed." Just like she was Faith, killer, slayer, human. She was everything. She was her past and her future. "You will always be that innocent girl I wanted to kill. Somewhere deep inside, but still." Faith realized something. In some way the witch was going through the same same thing she had, long time ago... Did she search for understanding? Was she trying to define herself? But why? There wasn't anything... Or was it? It couldn't be. She wouldn't be here, talking to Faith. Sher would go to Giles, or B or anyone EXCEPT Faith.... "Why are you here anyway? Leaving Brat alone? I wouldn't expect you to talk to me. Not since there's no world-ending...."
Willow sighed again. She was apparently making a habit out of it, but Faith was beginning to piss her off slowly. Why couldn't she understand?
"Why can't you understand? I'm not trying to play 'who had worse childhood' or 'who went more dark side' here!"
I know you had a tough life. I know that some people think you had a lot of bad breaks. Well, boo hoo! Poor you.
The voice of a girl from the past. Was she really her, still, even now? God, she hoped Faith wasn't wrong about this. It was so easy then. Doing the right thing, fighting the evil, and then partying in the Bronze.
"I'm... god, I tried to destroy the world, for heaven's sake. It's not like I can get over it, because I'm still the innocent girl you want to see in me. I just..."
What was she supposed to say?
The truth? She didn't know what truth was anymore.
"Why am I talking to you? I thought you'll understand. I thought... that maybe in some way you can help me. But you're still the same Faith... wanting to proove anyone that you're better than them, even if it is in being bad."
It was a good final statement, and she knew it. She should get up and leave Faith now, at this point.
But she sat there, waiting for the comeback, her fingers gripping the arm of the seat.
"Why?" That was the most important question in Faith's life. "Why you tried to destroy a world?" There was nothing sayin' that Faith shouldn't believe Willow. She wasn't informed about Sunnydale troops. She never asked. Angel wasn't telling. It was good. But now, suddenly, Faith knew what it was in the Witch that felt different. She was there. Right were Faith was. Maybe ever further. So she had to ask. About the reason. Cuz no matter what good girs were thinking the reasons were important. The reason could justify every act. And in Faith's question there was no subtext. She never was more serious.
She almost smiled at that.
Why she did that? It seemed so long ago now. So far away, so distant... as if a different person was doing it...
...and so close, under her skin. It was in her. That power, that need to watch the fire, to hear screams, to destroy everything, everyone, to loose herself in that end...
"I just couldn't stand it anymore..."
She then shooked her head. No, it wasn't right. Not only because of that.
"I wanted to destroy it... because I could."
"It's not good enough Red. If you're doin' something just because you can...." She was sayin' every single thought. She left nothing for herself. "You got that wrong Red." There was a wall Fait needed to destroy... But it fell down. "You know why *I* tried to kill every single one of you?" She looked at Willow. "Because I felt you're better than me. And I was affraid of it. I felt that you cheated on me. That no matter I'll do it never will be enough for you, cuz you already had your perfect Slayer. Mayor gave me everything you didn't want to give. So I became who I was... Who I am. Destoying world just because you can? It's stupid. And if that's the case here... Than I'll never understand tyou Red." Fairth looked at Robin who shifted in his sleep. "Now probably you should kill me... Not that you can't, right?"
"And how about destroying it because the one person you loved completely died? You like *this* motivation?" she spoke quietly, still looking forward, only green flash in her eyes implicating she cared about what she was saying.
"How about destroying the world because everyone you cared about were suffering and wishing they were dead? You like *that* reason?"
She shook her head at herself. Crashing, Willow, crashing down. You were supposed to be strong, and now you're falling apart, and in front of Faith no less.
Strong as Amazon? Not likely.
"How about destryoying it because you already killed the murdered and it wasn't enough? Okay with you?"
She was fed up with being strong. With helping everybody, doing mojo and fixing things up. She always wanted this kind of power, and now that she had it, she felt... empty.
"And I hadn't say it wasn't stupid."
She smiled this time, small smile, but a true one.
"Almost as stupid as you thinking we were better than you."
God. Thing this woman has been through... It could be too much for almost everybody. Faith found herself respect her again. "See? Those are good reasons." She put her hand on Willow's arm. "And there's nothing bad in being hurt." She smiled softly. After a moment she looked away. "Destroying a world, huh? You were always thinking big...."
"Outside the box" Willow shrugged. "Slitting wrists, taking pills, not really my style. Going with a bang, that what redheads do."
She glanced at Faith's hand. It felt oddly... comforting.
"And we never thought we were better than you. Buffy was jelous of you, though if you spill I told you that, I'll go Darth Rosenberg on you. Xander had crush on you. And I was so jelous I thought I'd go crazy."
He glared at her companion "you tell anyone, you're dead" she warned.
Faith took her hand away. It was something. She felt close. Comfotable. She felt home. Welcomed. Accepted. Maybe her journey was finally over. With Robin. Scoobies. Well maybe not all of them, but Witch was a start. She smiled. She felt content. "Red, *you* tell anyone we had a civil conversation, I'll not only kill all your friends and family but I'll.... well probably I'll haunt you till you go nuts, after you kill me..." She saw Robin starting to wake up. "She stood. "Now, sorry, some black man with a death wish is waking up..." She went to Robin. "Good morning princess, how are we feeling?"
We're now during Faith/Giles rp, that headed through romance without us noticing. Huh.
Annual pimping. Most of you from my friends' list probably know that, but there are two excellent Giles/Wes rpgs going on. First is fallen_watchersby Lostgirl and FerretGirl.</span>
aftermath_fic by Lostgirl (again :)) and Beadtific.
Check them out.
Oh, and while you're at it - why don't check on watcherlove ? The only thing better than watcher/slayer relationship is a watcher/watcher one, right?
Oh! And I bought Highlander dvd! Finally!
Am I the only one who wants to write fic with Giles as an Immortal?
Thought so :D